You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
