Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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