MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
