remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize