It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
