She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize