I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
