is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
