Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize