Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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