If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
