I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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