you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
