At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
