No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
