Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
