this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
