too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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