Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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