I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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