dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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