Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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