guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
