so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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