I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
