You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Actions speak louder than pants.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
