Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
