Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
