and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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