Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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