I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
