She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
