I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
