I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
