Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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