I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize