i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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