i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
