great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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