I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
high people should be assigned attendants
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
