My girlfriend figured out who you are.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
