Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
being pregnant is like rehab
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize