i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
