Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
