If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
