I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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