How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
