On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Randomize
