He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
