My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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