Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
