11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
