I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
