Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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