got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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